Fearlessly Stupid Predictions

With Opening Night upon us tomorrow (MASSIVE WOOTAGE!) and it becoming increasingly clear that the NL is going to get short-shafted on the previews, with only the Cards and Rox being examined from the Senior Circuit, I decided instead to change tack and start getting some bad predictions out there in the blogosphere, so I can review them in November, shake my head, and wonder what the hell I was smoking. All or most of these have very little chance of being true, so if I insulted your favorite, please be aware that it's probably a good thing for them.

I think it is necessary to point out that ADAM! is pitching tonight against the Indians in the inaugural Civil Rights Game in Memphis, Tennessee, and thus far has held the Indians hitless while recording a 2-run double of his own. I also think it necessary to point out that I am going to marry him and keep him all for my very own, only letting him out when he needs to make a start. Heheheehe.

First... my actual calls for the season, which may have changed a bit since the previews based on shifting circumstances with the teams. Biased in the extreme, as you'll soon be able to tell. (x = wild card)

AL East
1. Yankees
2. Red Sox
3. Blue Jays
4. Orioles
5. Devil Rays

AL Central
1. Twins
2. Tigers
3. White Sox
4. Indians
5. Royals

AL West
1. Athletics
2. x - Angels
3. Rangers
4. Mariners

NL East
1. Mets
2. x- Phillies
3. Braves
4. Marlins
5. Nationals

NL Central
1. Cardinals
2. Reds
3. Brewers
4. Astros
5. Cubs
6. Pirates

NL West
1. Padres
2. Dodgers
3. Diamondbacks
4. Rockies
5. Giants

ALDS: Angels over Yankees, Twins over A's
ALCS: Twins over Angels
NLDS: Phillies over Padres, Cardinals over Mets
NLCS: Cardinals over Phillies

World Series: Cardinals over Twins, back-to-back championships for the first time in the new millennium.

OKAY! Heeeeere comes the obvious, the fairly reasonable, the mildly ludicrous, and the no-way-in-hells!

The No-Good, Terribly Bad, Generally Inadequate and Inaccurate Prognostications About the 2007 Season of Major League Baseball, Presented by an Amateur but Enthusiastic Blogmistress


THE TOTALLY OBVIOUS
1. Joe Morgan will make an ass of himself on national TV.
2. Curt Schilling will make an ass of himself in general.
3. Ozzie Guillen will say something inflammatory and insulting before, during, and after the All-Star break, then claim that he has friends like that.
4. Ken "The Hawk" Harrelson will make the ears of everyone who is not a White Sox fan bleed copiously and may be responsible for at least one homicide in Chicago (not directly, through insanity induced by listening to his homerific broadcasts).
5. David Ortiz will end a lot of games for the Red Sox by hitting walk-off bombs.
6. Albert Pujols will remain God.
7. The Boston media follows Daisuke "Dice-K" Matsuzaka religiously. How does he feel? Does he really throw a gyroball? What did he eat for breakfast? Then "Dice-K" (stupidest.nickname.ever) loses a crucial late-season game against the Yankees and they crucify him. "Matsuzaka: The $100 Million Mistake?" is the headline in the Globe after the 12-2 thrashing.
8. A-Rod fails to produce in assorted important clutch situations, is booed by the fans, whines to the media, and is the subject of numerous articles by schlock tabloids detailing the fact that he is, in fact, no longer sleeping with Derek Jeter. Not in the same bed. Not even in the same house.
9. Some team makes a fuss about the Rockies' humidor.
10. The wind blows. Kerry Wood, Carl Pavano, Ken Griffey Jr., and Bobby Crosby fall over with every bone in their body broken.

THE (PARTIALLY) REASONABLE
1. Adam Wainwright will win 15 games with a high-3 ERA.
2. Rich Harden will win 15+ games with a high-2 ERA.
3. The Cardinals will showcase a new and improved, stronger starting rotation and win the NL Central much more easily than a lot of pundits are giving them credit for.
4. Garrett Atkins, Todd Helton, Matt Holliday, and Brad Hawpe, along with young guns Troy Tulowitzki and Chris Iannetta, will lift the Rockies into definite contention in the NL West. I'll hold off on calling the division outright for them, but they can at the least compete for the wild card.
5. The A's develop more of a situationally oriented offense instead of always trying to play small-ball or avoid certain scenarios (i.e. sac flies, sac bunts, stolen bases). They also compete in their West more than several talking heads think will be the case.
6. Barry Zito will have an unworldly first half while the NL is completely befuddled by that curveball, make the All-Star team as a hometown boy (coincidentally, with the game being held in San Francisco) and be hoo-haed up the wazoo as the Giants' savior and ticket to the postseason. He then falls apart in the second half and walks 5 people per game as the league accustoms to the curve and umps will no longer call it for strikes. The Giants finish fourth.
7. Eric Chavez gets injured and rather than sitting down, continues to gut it out on the field with great defense but low offensive numbers. (C'mon, this one's just too easy. I love Chavy, but there's absolutely no way he'll crack 40 HR this year like Mychael Urban thinks he will).

THE MILDLY RIDICULOUS
1. Barry Bonds doesn't break Hank Aaron's homer record, either because both of his knees explode at the same time or Selig grows a sack and kicks him out.
2. The Rockies beat out the Dodgers, Padres, and Diamondbacks and dramatically win the division, ensuring postseason play at Coors for the first time since 1995.
3. Zack Greinke walks out the door one day and is never seen or heard from again. 20 years in the future, Zack Greinke Jr. is drafted by the Pirates and will not speak of what his father endured in the interim. (No, I don't think this falls under the 'HELL FREEZES OVER' category).
4. The NL wins the All-Star game in San Francisco, securing home field advantage. They then proceed to lose the World Series because of it.
5. The Braves actually win the division again after their streak of 14 consecutive NL East titles was broken by the Mets. They then lose in the first round. (The latter part isn't improbable).
6. A-Rod gets through the first half of the season without whining. He does, however, make 20 errors. After the break, he gives a gushy, emotional interview to Elle, detailing the pressure he felt not to complain since he thought Torre would execute a mob hit on him if he did. Torre denys any Sicilian connections. George Steinbrenner gets hold of the story. Chaos ensues.
7. Jason Marquis, Gil Meche, and the assorted overpriced free-agent signees put together decent, if not great, seasons.

HELL FREEZES OVER
1. The D-Rays win the AL East.
2. The Royals win the AL Central.
3. The Mariners win the AL West.
4. The Orioles win the AL Wild Card.
5. The Nationals win the NL East.
6. The Pirates win the NL Central.
7. The Rockies win the NL West.
8. The Cubs win the NL Wild Card.
9. Ozzie Guillen is assassinated by Ugueth Urbina.
10. Curt Schilling decides to quit baseball, the Republican party, and conservative Christianity in favor of hard-core, 24/7 Everquest gaming. He is removed unconscious from a Boston hotspot in December and becomes a vegetable.
11. Jim Edmonds does not run into a single wall during the course of the season.
12. A-Rod comes through in a clutch situation. Not just once, but repeatedly.
13. Johan Santana goes 9-15 with a 4.75 ERA.
14. Albert Pujols hits .267 with 7 HR and 40 RBI. No worries, he's now Darin Erstad the Gritmeister Superstar!
15. Carl Pavano starts opening day for the Yankees (yes, that's true, unfortunately) pitches a perfect game, wins the Cy Young, and does not lie to the team or display a lackluster work ethic all season.
16. The Royals win the AL Pennant.
17. The Cubs win the NL Pennant.
18. The Cubs win the World Series.
19. The world ends.

Tomorrow at 8 PM ET. Tom Glavine vs. Chris Carpenter. New York Mets vs. St. Louis Cardinals. Carp will deliver the first pitch of 2007 to Jose Reyes, the championship banner will be hoisted over Busch, fireworks will go off, hearts will sing, and all will be right with the world again.